A Dysfunctional Body Image

This is going to be long y'all (twss).


As females, I think it is hardwired in our DNA to be self conscious and self loathing when it comes to our bodies.  I was no different.




Isn't it amazing how you can look back and wish you looked how you looked "back then."





I was a normal sized kid.  I was never really overweight.  That is, until puberty hit.  Everything hit me all at the same time.  It was not pretty.  At around 12 or 13, I began to gain weight.  I was starting junior high school.  My brothers death (5 years earlier) was starting to take its psychological toll.  I was becoming depressed and angry.  I was not happy with anyone or anything.  This is when I began a downward spiral.  This is when the eating disorders started their hold.

Strangely enough, I was a fairly healthy ana-bulimic.  I spent years alternating between starvation and binging and purging.  I never looked sick.  But I was.  Physically, psychologically, and emotionally. 

When my dad died in 1995, I basically lost my "psychological" shit.  It took me a long time to recover from that loss.  But my family and friends rallied and helped me through.

Shit hit the fan in 2000 when I finally admitted I had a problem.  I was admitted into a psych facility for several days.  I was treated for depression and an eating disorder.  Being there really opened my eyes to a lot of things.  I knew I was "crazy" but I wasn't psychotic.  When I left, I wasn't "cured."  There is no cure for either condition.  I know you're thinking, "Where the hell is all the fat talk?  I thought this was about body image, not craziness."  Patience!

 All throughout my teen years, I was thin.  I ranged from a 2 to a 6 maybe.  And I thought I was fat.  I needed to lose weight.  I needed to tone up.  I wanted so badly to be that tall, toned, tanned beauty in the magazines.  I wasn't.  I was not confident at all.  I surrounded myself with strong confident girls and I played the part.  That's how I rolled y'all.

Holy Boobies, Batman!

circa 2004

I started healing in my early 20's.  Food was no longer the enemy.  I realized that I was crazy and I would just have to learn to deal with that fact.  (As a side note, I will forever refer to myself as crazy.  Because I am.  I have psychological issues.  I have no delusions about that.  HAHA Sorry, no pun intended.  I am not ashamed to have some issues.  I did not ask to be this way.  I am though.  If you have a problem with me calling myself crazy...well, suck it up buttercup.)  I reconnected with my friends and family.  I got a great job and apartment.  I discovered Red Bull and Jager.  And Legspreaders (twss).  Things looked up.  I was healthy and getting happier.

I was still not happy with my body.  I still thought I was too big.  Looking back, I was perfectly fine.  I was healthy.  I weighed 135 lbs the day I found out I was pregnant with P.

Jan 2008 - Baby Shower - 7 months along

Me and Mom

     I have to say, pregnancy was by far, THE most liberating time for me.  I was so excited.  I never once hated my body.  I was growing a human being (or an alien).  I was supposed to gain weight.  I knew I would end up having that long list of gross pregnancy symptoms.  I gained 34 lbs.  I was super happy.  I was bloated, had heart burn ALL THE TIME, had swollen feet, etc.   But I was able to eat a whole box of mac n cheese in one sitting.  It was such a huge change from the eating disorders of my past.  Most women are like "I wouldn't mind having another kid, but I don't want to be pregnant."  Me?  I'm all "I wouldn't mind being pregnant as long as I don't have to keep the kid!!"

May 2008 - back at 135 lbs

After P was born, I breast fed.  Some people lose weight while breast feeding, some don't.  I did.  I was back down to pre-pregnancy weight within 2 months.  Go me.  Well, yeah.  Someone forgot to tell me to stop eating for 2 after I quit breast feeding.  As soon as P stopped breast feeding, I gained that shit back.  All of it.  And that is where this nonsense began.  Again.



I hovered at 169 lbs for a long time.  I was not happy about it.  But I was a new mom and I was living my life for P.  Who cared if I was fat, right!?!?  Wrong.  I should have.





And guess what?  I wasn't done with eating disorders.  Not many people know this next part about me, but I feel it needs to be told.  It is the truth, after all.  The stress of mommyhood and some other things caused me to relapse into ED's.  This time though, I became a binge eater.  I ate and ate.  And ate some more.  Literally, all day long.  Calorie after calorie.  It didn't help that I had quit smoking.  The sweets tasted so much better.  And I needed that oral gratification (twss).  And THAT is how I ended up at 197 lbs.  I know that I'm sure I was over 200 lbs at some point...but I never saw that number on my home scale.

June of 2012 at 190 lbs

Me in all my bloated glory

Am I really posting this picture?  Yeah.  I'm telling ya, I'm crazy as shit folks.

I remember the day I saw 197 on the scale.  I cried.  I didn't know what I had done to myself.  I knew that something had to be done.  I just didn't know what yet.  I came to terms with the binge eating.  I told one person about it.  I needed to be accountable to someone.  It was difficult.  I have serious issues with portion control.  And now, you know why.

After having my gallbladder out, I decided I needed to get serious about getting healthy.  I developed a medical condition which I still have trouble with.  It's actually kind of a good thing.  It helps me control my fat intake.  But since then, I have begun eating smaller portions and less processed foods.  I also move my body more.  With just the small modifications, I lost 25 lbs.  When I realized that, it spurred me to get on the bandwagon and get this party started.  I started lifting weights and that has made a huge difference as well.

My ultimate goal isn't a target number.  I want to be somewhere in my healthy weight range, but I also want to get into a size 6 pair of pants.  I also want to run and play with P without being out of breath.  I mean hell, I quit smoking.  And I still can't breathe?  That sucks.  I know that my goals will take time.  I'm not in a HUGE hurry and I'm not in a race.  I am doing this the healthy way, so it's going to take time.  And time is something that I am giving back to myself.  Holla!
 

Thanks for reading my story y'all.
The rest of the week will be much lighter, I promise!
Happy Humpday!!



*I want to make something very very clear.  Obviously, I do not condone the use of extreme, medically devastating practices to lose weight.  My experiences with Anorexia, Bulimia, and Binge Eating were a hard part of my life.  This is a short post and therefore does NOT represent the full scope of therapy and healing.  I did not recover in a matter of weeks or months.  I still struggle with certain things.

If you or someone you know may be struggling with an eating disorder, please check out these resources:
National Association of Anorexia Nervosa & Associated Disorders
American Psychological Association


If you or someone you know may be struggling with a psychological disorder, please check out these resources:
American Psychological Association
Psychology Today

You should also know that seeking treatment for any emotional problem is not a sign of weakness.  It takes strength of character to admit there is a problem and to seek help.  If you have an issue that is affecting your life or the lives of those around you, I urge you to find someone to talk to.  Sometimes, these problems are not emotionally based at all.  Some of my issues are biologically based.  Sometimes, these things can not be stopped before they start, but you can control the symptoms.

This is going to be long y'all (twss).


As females, I think it is hardwired in our DNA to be self conscious and self loathing when it comes to our bodies.  I was no different.




Isn't it amazing how you can look back and wish you looked how you looked "back then."





I was a normal sized kid.  I was never really overweight.  That is, until puberty hit.  Everything hit me all at the same time.  It was not pretty.  At around 12 or 13, I began to gain weight.  I was starting junior high school.  My brothers death (5 years earlier) was starting to take its psychological toll.  I was becoming depressed and angry.  I was not happy with anyone or anything.  This is when I began a downward spiral.  This is when the eating disorders started their hold.

Strangely enough, I was a fairly healthy ana-bulimic.  I spent years alternating between starvation and binging and purging.  I never looked sick.  But I was.  Physically, psychologically, and emotionally. 

When my dad died in 1995, I basically lost my "psychological" shit.  It took me a long time to recover from that loss.  But my family and friends rallied and helped me through.

Shit hit the fan in 2000 when I finally admitted I had a problem.  I was admitted into a psych facility for several days.  I was treated for depression and an eating disorder.  Being there really opened my eyes to a lot of things.  I knew I was "crazy" but I wasn't psychotic.  When I left, I wasn't "cured."  There is no cure for either condition.  I know you're thinking, "Where the hell is all the fat talk?  I thought this was about body image, not craziness."  Patience!

 All throughout my teen years, I was thin.  I ranged from a 2 to a 6 maybe.  And I thought I was fat.  I needed to lose weight.  I needed to tone up.  I wanted so badly to be that tall, toned, tanned beauty in the magazines.  I wasn't.  I was not confident at all.  I surrounded myself with strong confident girls and I played the part.  That's how I rolled y'all.

Holy Boobies, Batman!

circa 2004

I started healing in my early 20's.  Food was no longer the enemy.  I realized that I was crazy and I would just have to learn to deal with that fact.  (As a side note, I will forever refer to myself as crazy.  Because I am.  I have psychological issues.  I have no delusions about that.  HAHA Sorry, no pun intended.  I am not ashamed to have some issues.  I did not ask to be this way.  I am though.  If you have a problem with me calling myself crazy...well, suck it up buttercup.)  I reconnected with my friends and family.  I got a great job and apartment.  I discovered Red Bull and Jager.  And Legspreaders (twss).  Things looked up.  I was healthy and getting happier.

I was still not happy with my body.  I still thought I was too big.  Looking back, I was perfectly fine.  I was healthy.  I weighed 135 lbs the day I found out I was pregnant with P.

Jan 2008 - Baby Shower - 7 months along

Me and Mom

     I have to say, pregnancy was by far, THE most liberating time for me.  I was so excited.  I never once hated my body.  I was growing a human being (or an alien).  I was supposed to gain weight.  I knew I would end up having that long list of gross pregnancy symptoms.  I gained 34 lbs.  I was super happy.  I was bloated, had heart burn ALL THE TIME, had swollen feet, etc.   But I was able to eat a whole box of mac n cheese in one sitting.  It was such a huge change from the eating disorders of my past.  Most women are like "I wouldn't mind having another kid, but I don't want to be pregnant."  Me?  I'm all "I wouldn't mind being pregnant as long as I don't have to keep the kid!!"

May 2008 - back at 135 lbs

After P was born, I breast fed.  Some people lose weight while breast feeding, some don't.  I did.  I was back down to pre-pregnancy weight within 2 months.  Go me.  Well, yeah.  Someone forgot to tell me to stop eating for 2 after I quit breast feeding.  As soon as P stopped breast feeding, I gained that shit back.  All of it.  And that is where this nonsense began.  Again.



I hovered at 169 lbs for a long time.  I was not happy about it.  But I was a new mom and I was living my life for P.  Who cared if I was fat, right!?!?  Wrong.  I should have.





And guess what?  I wasn't done with eating disorders.  Not many people know this next part about me, but I feel it needs to be told.  It is the truth, after all.  The stress of mommyhood and some other things caused me to relapse into ED's.  This time though, I became a binge eater.  I ate and ate.  And ate some more.  Literally, all day long.  Calorie after calorie.  It didn't help that I had quit smoking.  The sweets tasted so much better.  And I needed that oral gratification (twss).  And THAT is how I ended up at 197 lbs.  I know that I'm sure I was over 200 lbs at some point...but I never saw that number on my home scale.

June of 2012 at 190 lbs

Me in all my bloated glory

Am I really posting this picture?  Yeah.  I'm telling ya, I'm crazy as shit folks.

I remember the day I saw 197 on the scale.  I cried.  I didn't know what I had done to myself.  I knew that something had to be done.  I just didn't know what yet.  I came to terms with the binge eating.  I told one person about it.  I needed to be accountable to someone.  It was difficult.  I have serious issues with portion control.  And now, you know why.

After having my gallbladder out, I decided I needed to get serious about getting healthy.  I developed a medical condition which I still have trouble with.  It's actually kind of a good thing.  It helps me control my fat intake.  But since then, I have begun eating smaller portions and less processed foods.  I also move my body more.  With just the small modifications, I lost 25 lbs.  When I realized that, it spurred me to get on the bandwagon and get this party started.  I started lifting weights and that has made a huge difference as well.

My ultimate goal isn't a target number.  I want to be somewhere in my healthy weight range, but I also want to get into a size 6 pair of pants.  I also want to run and play with P without being out of breath.  I mean hell, I quit smoking.  And I still can't breathe?  That sucks.  I know that my goals will take time.  I'm not in a HUGE hurry and I'm not in a race.  I am doing this the healthy way, so it's going to take time.  And time is something that I am giving back to myself.  Holla!
 

Thanks for reading my story y'all.
The rest of the week will be much lighter, I promise!
Happy Humpday!!



*I want to make something very very clear.  Obviously, I do not condone the use of extreme, medically devastating practices to lose weight.  My experiences with Anorexia, Bulimia, and Binge Eating were a hard part of my life.  This is a short post and therefore does NOT represent the full scope of therapy and healing.  I did not recover in a matter of weeks or months.  I still struggle with certain things.

If you or someone you know may be struggling with an eating disorder, please check out these resources:
National Association of Anorexia Nervosa & Associated Disorders
American Psychological Association


If you or someone you know may be struggling with a psychological disorder, please check out these resources:
American Psychological Association
Psychology Today

You should also know that seeking treatment for any emotional problem is not a sign of weakness.  It takes strength of character to admit there is a problem and to seek help.  If you have an issue that is affecting your life or the lives of those around you, I urge you to find someone to talk to.  Sometimes, these problems are not emotionally based at all.  Some of my issues are biologically based.  Sometimes, these things can not be stopped before they start, but you can control the symptoms.