The Story of P: Part 1

So when I asked my 5 year old what I should write about today on the blog, her response was, “Me, of course!”

Of course.

And I have been known to indulge my child a little too much.  Why stop now!?!

Plus I have been feeling nostalgic lately.  P's impending entry into kindergarten has left me wondering where in the world my tiny little monkey has gone.  She is beyond ready to go, but mama is not as sure.  

P (whose proper name is Piper) was born in March 2008.  My due date was March 23rd.  She was frank breech and was not looking to move, so I had to schedule a c-section for March 17^th.  Yes, that would be St. Patrick’s Day.  I took issue.  Not with the c-section.  I wanted that.  It was the date.  St. Patrick’s Day is one of my favorite holidays and I didn’t know how I felt about P being born then.  But, I got used to the idea and it became even funnier later.  My doctor would be out for my delivery and the doctor who was scheduled to do my c-section was all of 4’11 and reminded me of a leprechaun.  HAH!!  We had a good laugh.  Well, P was the one laughing.

I didn’t stop working until 3 days before my delivery.  I worked in retail…selling shoes.  I was on my feet ALL day long.  Seriously.  It cracks me up when I hear women complain about their nice cushy jobs and having to stop working like 3 weeks early.  But to each their own.  So the 3 or 4 days before delivery were spent finalizing my home.  I got all of P’s things in order.  On Saturday, I had lunch with my sister and then went home.  I had plans to shower and wash my hair and all that good stuff on Sunday.  I went to bed that night looking forward to my relaxing day.  My LAST day before mommyhood.  P was active.  I was annoyed.  I slept anyway.

The next morning, I woke up at 7:30 and I was pissed.  I had to pee.  It was so early.  I figured I would pee and go right back to sleep.  I figured wrong.  I sat there and peed.  Then, all of a sudden, I hear pop pop.  No joke.  I heard that shit!  And then there was a gush.  Now I was still half asleep so I just thought I was still peeing.  But it kept coming.  And then I realized…it was coming out of the wrong hole.  Fo real!

And of all days for NO ONE to answer their phones.  I called my sister and both of her kids.  No answer.  Finally, she called me back and swiftly arrived at my house.  I called the hospital and told them I was coming.  A day early.  Yes, P has a sick sense of humor.  I tried to call P’s dad but he wasn’t answering.  Really!?!

My bag for the hospital wasn’t 100% ready.  And I wasn’t about to leave my house without washing my hair.  So, with my sister having a heart attack and with towels wedged in my girl parts, I washed my hair in the kitchen sink.  By the time I was done washing my hair, the contractions had started.

I called my parents (who actually DID answer).  And they were going to meet us at the hospital.  My sister drove…freaking out the whole way.  She was also secretly praying that P’s dad never responded so she could be the one in the delivery room.  Well, that wasn’t actually so secret.  By the time we got to the hospital, the contractions were pretty strong.  I still walked the WHOLE way up to L&D.  I’m a beast y’all. 

Once there, they got me into a gown…got me hooked up to machines…called the doctor (which was not the leprechaun)...and they made sure P was still breech.  Oh, and the drugs.  I got drugs.  Once the anesthesiologist was available, I got my epidural.  That shit was scary and painful.  I heard crunching…not cool.  It took a lil bit for it to take affect and I was freaking out.  I kept telling her, ”I can still feel my feet!”  But it turned out ok.

After her bath!

I laughed through most of the c-section (it felt really weird and cool).  And cried.  Tears of happiness.  (P’s dad did call back and showed up in time.)  The anesthesiologist was really great and took the camera from P’s dad.  She took photos for us.  And she held my hand and wiped my tears.  She was awesome.

She stole my heart!

P came out butt first…screaming…and she peed on the doctor.  Not a bit has changed.  She still has attitude.  She cried and cried.  They cleaned and wrapped her up.  Her dad held her and then they gave her to me.  She stopped crying.  She stole my heart.  I knew then that I loved her more than life itself.  And I knew I was hungry as shit.  It was March 16th, 2008.

After making our way back to recovery, my mom snuck her way into the room.  I was glad.  I wanted her to be the first to see P.  I just thought (and still do) that it was so awesome that she snuck back.  She wasn’t supposed to be back there but she 007’d her way into recovery.  Crazy ass woman!  She beamed.  She was in love, too. 

I still remember the rest of the day.  But I will forego the tedious details.   I remember having a turkey sandwich after.  And then my awesome friend Leah bringing me Cracker Barrel.  I still love her for that!  We had a lot of visitors!  I just wanted to sleep.  I remember almost having an anxiety attack that first night.  I had sent P to the nursery.  I got up to go to the bathroom.  I knew I was in the hospital.  I knew I had been cut open.  But I was so afraid that having P was a dream.  I was afraid that I was there for some other reason.  I calmed down and went back to sleep.  Until they brought P in for a feeding.  And then, I knew it was real.

2 weeks old

She was an amazing little girl.  And still is.  I should have known by her larger than life entrance into my world that she would be a force throughout.  She continues to amaze me daily…with her wit, her intelligence and her beauty...

 

See?  Amazing!

 

I’ll continue her story another time.

Thanks for reading.

So when I asked my 5 year old what I should write about today on the blog, her response was, “Me, of course!”

Of course.

And I have been known to indulge my child a little too much.  Why stop now!?!

Plus I have been feeling nostalgic lately.  P's impending entry into kindergarten has left me wondering where in the world my tiny little monkey has gone.  She is beyond ready to go, but mama is not as sure.  

P (whose proper name is Piper) was born in March 2008.  My due date was March 23rd.  She was frank breech and was not looking to move, so I had to schedule a c-section for March 17^th.  Yes, that would be St. Patrick’s Day.  I took issue.  Not with the c-section.  I wanted that.  It was the date.  St. Patrick’s Day is one of my favorite holidays and I didn’t know how I felt about P being born then.  But, I got used to the idea and it became even funnier later.  My doctor would be out for my delivery and the doctor who was scheduled to do my c-section was all of 4’11 and reminded me of a leprechaun.  HAH!!  We had a good laugh.  Well, P was the one laughing.

I didn’t stop working until 3 days before my delivery.  I worked in retail…selling shoes.  I was on my feet ALL day long.  Seriously.  It cracks me up when I hear women complain about their nice cushy jobs and having to stop working like 3 weeks early.  But to each their own.  So the 3 or 4 days before delivery were spent finalizing my home.  I got all of P’s things in order.  On Saturday, I had lunch with my sister and then went home.  I had plans to shower and wash my hair and all that good stuff on Sunday.  I went to bed that night looking forward to my relaxing day.  My LAST day before mommyhood.  P was active.  I was annoyed.  I slept anyway.

The next morning, I woke up at 7:30 and I was pissed.  I had to pee.  It was so early.  I figured I would pee and go right back to sleep.  I figured wrong.  I sat there and peed.  Then, all of a sudden, I hear pop pop.  No joke.  I heard that shit!  And then there was a gush.  Now I was still half asleep so I just thought I was still peeing.  But it kept coming.  And then I realized…it was coming out of the wrong hole.  Fo real!

And of all days for NO ONE to answer their phones.  I called my sister and both of her kids.  No answer.  Finally, she called me back and swiftly arrived at my house.  I called the hospital and told them I was coming.  A day early.  Yes, P has a sick sense of humor.  I tried to call P’s dad but he wasn’t answering.  Really!?!

My bag for the hospital wasn’t 100% ready.  And I wasn’t about to leave my house without washing my hair.  So, with my sister having a heart attack and with towels wedged in my girl parts, I washed my hair in the kitchen sink.  By the time I was done washing my hair, the contractions had started.

I called my parents (who actually DID answer).  And they were going to meet us at the hospital.  My sister drove…freaking out the whole way.  She was also secretly praying that P’s dad never responded so she could be the one in the delivery room.  Well, that wasn’t actually so secret.  By the time we got to the hospital, the contractions were pretty strong.  I still walked the WHOLE way up to L&D.  I’m a beast y’all. 

Once there, they got me into a gown…got me hooked up to machines…called the doctor (which was not the leprechaun)...and they made sure P was still breech.  Oh, and the drugs.  I got drugs.  Once the anesthesiologist was available, I got my epidural.  That shit was scary and painful.  I heard crunching…not cool.  It took a lil bit for it to take affect and I was freaking out.  I kept telling her, ”I can still feel my feet!”  But it turned out ok.

After her bath!

I laughed through most of the c-section (it felt really weird and cool).  And cried.  Tears of happiness.  (P’s dad did call back and showed up in time.)  The anesthesiologist was really great and took the camera from P’s dad.  She took photos for us.  And she held my hand and wiped my tears.  She was awesome.

She stole my heart!

P came out butt first…screaming…and she peed on the doctor.  Not a bit has changed.  She still has attitude.  She cried and cried.  They cleaned and wrapped her up.  Her dad held her and then they gave her to me.  She stopped crying.  She stole my heart.  I knew then that I loved her more than life itself.  And I knew I was hungry as shit.  It was March 16th, 2008.

After making our way back to recovery, my mom snuck her way into the room.  I was glad.  I wanted her to be the first to see P.  I just thought (and still do) that it was so awesome that she snuck back.  She wasn’t supposed to be back there but she 007’d her way into recovery.  Crazy ass woman!  She beamed.  She was in love, too. 

I still remember the rest of the day.  But I will forego the tedious details.   I remember having a turkey sandwich after.  And then my awesome friend Leah bringing me Cracker Barrel.  I still love her for that!  We had a lot of visitors!  I just wanted to sleep.  I remember almost having an anxiety attack that first night.  I had sent P to the nursery.  I got up to go to the bathroom.  I knew I was in the hospital.  I knew I had been cut open.  But I was so afraid that having P was a dream.  I was afraid that I was there for some other reason.  I calmed down and went back to sleep.  Until they brought P in for a feeding.  And then, I knew it was real.

2 weeks old

She was an amazing little girl.  And still is.  I should have known by her larger than life entrance into my world that she would be a force throughout.  She continues to amaze me daily…with her wit, her intelligence and her beauty...

 

See?  Amazing!

 

I’ll continue her story another time.

Thanks for reading.

Weekend Recap

Well, well, well...it's Monday, again.

Since it's Monday, that means it's time for a weekend recap.  You know you love my super exciting life.  Yes, folks, that is sarcasm.


Friday



 Friday started off with my very first ever appointment at the eye doctor.  I've gone my whole 30+ years without ever having one.  I've noticed that my eyes are getting weaker, so I thought I would just get it checked out.  I have to admit that it was pretty cool.  P thought it was awesome, too.  She is fascinated with anything medical.  And really has to be in the middle of it.

It turns out my eyes are perfectly healthy.  My vision is almost perfect.  I could use a small prescription, but it would be so minimal that it wouldn't be worth it right now.


Friday night was mama/daughter date night.  P and I went out to eat and spend some time together.

P had pancakes and inhaled them within 2 minutes.  Pancakes and mac n cheese.  Yes.  Great combo, eh?  I had chicken fried steak.  And it was good. 



 And not only did we get a good meal, but I found something I absolutely could not leave without.  Food and shopping!?!?  My night was complete.  Check out this little find!

Isn't she beautiful!?!?  She found her home in my bedroom. 





After we got home, P and I watched some Monster High movies and cuddled.   Then...bedtime.


Saturday

We relaxed all day Saturday.  I haven't been feeling well, so we just watched tv and played Go Fish.  Seriously exciting right!?!?  I know, I roll hard y'all.  I did start to declutter my office.


 Sunday

Sunday was more relaxation.  P decided that she was going to watch Spongebob all day.  I really hate Spongebob.  But, I choose not to argue about it.  Plus, it gave me some quiet time to reorganize my closet and get the laundry ready.  I got some chicken taco soup made in the crock pot and I finished straightening up my office.  

P and Graye like to play this weird fetch/chase game.  She throws a mouse, Graye chases it.  P runs after her and they bang into each other.  They are both weird.

I ended the evening by taking a test in one of my classes and then falling asleep.


As you can see...we lead a very complicated life.  Thankfully these days are pretty laid back.  P will be starting kindergarten in the fall.  I will be working more and taking more classes than normal.  It's going to be interesting.   

Where has the time gone?

Well, that's all for Monday.  
Happy reading y'all!

Well, well, well...it's Monday, again.

Since it's Monday, that means it's time for a weekend recap.  You know you love my super exciting life.  Yes, folks, that is sarcasm.


Friday



 Friday started off with my very first ever appointment at the eye doctor.  I've gone my whole 30+ years without ever having one.  I've noticed that my eyes are getting weaker, so I thought I would just get it checked out.  I have to admit that it was pretty cool.  P thought it was awesome, too.  She is fascinated with anything medical.  And really has to be in the middle of it.

It turns out my eyes are perfectly healthy.  My vision is almost perfect.  I could use a small prescription, but it would be so minimal that it wouldn't be worth it right now.


Friday night was mama/daughter date night.  P and I went out to eat and spend some time together.

P had pancakes and inhaled them within 2 minutes.  Pancakes and mac n cheese.  Yes.  Great combo, eh?  I had chicken fried steak.  And it was good. 



 And not only did we get a good meal, but I found something I absolutely could not leave without.  Food and shopping!?!?  My night was complete.  Check out this little find!

Isn't she beautiful!?!?  She found her home in my bedroom. 





After we got home, P and I watched some Monster High movies and cuddled.   Then...bedtime.


Saturday

We relaxed all day Saturday.  I haven't been feeling well, so we just watched tv and played Go Fish.  Seriously exciting right!?!?  I know, I roll hard y'all.  I did start to declutter my office.


 Sunday

Sunday was more relaxation.  P decided that she was going to watch Spongebob all day.  I really hate Spongebob.  But, I choose not to argue about it.  Plus, it gave me some quiet time to reorganize my closet and get the laundry ready.  I got some chicken taco soup made in the crock pot and I finished straightening up my office.  

P and Graye like to play this weird fetch/chase game.  She throws a mouse, Graye chases it.  P runs after her and they bang into each other.  They are both weird.

I ended the evening by taking a test in one of my classes and then falling asleep.


As you can see...we lead a very complicated life.  Thankfully these days are pretty laid back.  P will be starting kindergarten in the fall.  I will be working more and taking more classes than normal.  It's going to be interesting.   

Where has the time gone?

Well, that's all for Monday.  
Happy reading y'all!

Pinterest & Inspiration = Pinspiration

My plan is that once a week, I will try to recreate something I've found from Pinterest.  Whoever created Pinterest was a genius.  Women from all over flock by the millions.

So true!

I used to be a Pinterest addict.  I burned myself out.  But...I've been checking it out recently and I know that this summer I will want to get all kinds of crafty.  Until this semester is over, you will all have to just read about my previous undertakings.  I may cook up a recipe, but there won't be any big projects.

I'm going to start this Weekly Pinspiration with some easy ones I've done.  They also have the links to the pins where I found them.

First up...I literally just implemeted this.  I'm a stickler for organization and all the things we had been doing previously were falling short.  I use these plastic shoe holders on the back of just about every door in my house (pantry, hall closet, P's room).  I recently took the one off of my door and I remembered this pin.

 The Pinterest version can be found here.  The picture on the right is the one P has been using.  And it's been great.  I know, this was not a difficult craft or project, but I still think it's a great idea.  Go ahead...pin that shit!






 This next one is a little craftier.  And of course, nothing ever turns out exactly like Pinterest, but I still think it turned out well and I display it in my living room (sooo can't be all bad, right!?!).  The picture to the right is the Pinterest photo (duh).  You can find the pin here.  I upcycled a thrift store lamp.  The before and afters are below.  When I redo P's bedroom again, I'll be making her a scraps lamp.  I could have done a "better" job, but I like the shabby look.  It has character.  And although the Pinterest one is beautiful, it just looks like something you could buy from mass production.  If you want perfection, do NOT craft.

The last one I will leave you with is another one that I display in my living room.  This is actually one of my favorite things.  It turned out really really awesome.  It was extremely time consuming and a couple times, there was pain.  But is was definitely worth it.

The Pinterest version can be found here.  I used a wood plaque from the crafts section at Walmart.  I painted the edges purple (because I love purple) and then Mod Podged the scrapbook paper on top.  I printed a map of AR from the internet and taped it in place.  Then just hammer your nails in place.  It is extremely tedious.  I wouldn't recommend this project if you live in a place like NC or VA.  They have too many crevices.  The center heart is placed over your hometown or current residence.  Take thread or twine and just start looping.  You will have to loop the center heart several times per nail depending on how many nails your state outline required.

So there you are.  My Weekly Pinspiration for this week.  Hope you enjoyed.

Happy Pinning
and
Happy Reading

My plan is that once a week, I will try to recreate something I've found from Pinterest.  Whoever created Pinterest was a genius.  Women from all over flock by the millions.

So true!

I used to be a Pinterest addict.  I burned myself out.  But...I've been checking it out recently and I know that this summer I will want to get all kinds of crafty.  Until this semester is over, you will all have to just read about my previous undertakings.  I may cook up a recipe, but there won't be any big projects.

I'm going to start this Weekly Pinspiration with some easy ones I've done.  They also have the links to the pins where I found them.

First up...I literally just implemeted this.  I'm a stickler for organization and all the things we had been doing previously were falling short.  I use these plastic shoe holders on the back of just about every door in my house (pantry, hall closet, P's room).  I recently took the one off of my door and I remembered this pin.

 The Pinterest version can be found here.  The picture on the right is the one P has been using.  And it's been great.  I know, this was not a difficult craft or project, but I still think it's a great idea.  Go ahead...pin that shit!






 This next one is a little craftier.  And of course, nothing ever turns out exactly like Pinterest, but I still think it turned out well and I display it in my living room (sooo can't be all bad, right!?!).  The picture to the right is the Pinterest photo (duh).  You can find the pin here.  I upcycled a thrift store lamp.  The before and afters are below.  When I redo P's bedroom again, I'll be making her a scraps lamp.  I could have done a "better" job, but I like the shabby look.  It has character.  And although the Pinterest one is beautiful, it just looks like something you could buy from mass production.  If you want perfection, do NOT craft.

The last one I will leave you with is another one that I display in my living room.  This is actually one of my favorite things.  It turned out really really awesome.  It was extremely time consuming and a couple times, there was pain.  But is was definitely worth it.

The Pinterest version can be found here.  I used a wood plaque from the crafts section at Walmart.  I painted the edges purple (because I love purple) and then Mod Podged the scrapbook paper on top.  I printed a map of AR from the internet and taped it in place.  Then just hammer your nails in place.  It is extremely tedious.  I wouldn't recommend this project if you live in a place like NC or VA.  They have too many crevices.  The center heart is placed over your hometown or current residence.  Take thread or twine and just start looping.  You will have to loop the center heart several times per nail depending on how many nails your state outline required.

So there you are.  My Weekly Pinspiration for this week.  Hope you enjoyed.

Happy Pinning
and
Happy Reading

A Dysfunctional Body Image

This is going to be long y'all (twss).


As females, I think it is hardwired in our DNA to be self conscious and self loathing when it comes to our bodies.  I was no different.




Isn't it amazing how you can look back and wish you looked how you looked "back then."





I was a normal sized kid.  I was never really overweight.  That is, until puberty hit.  Everything hit me all at the same time.  It was not pretty.  At around 12 or 13, I began to gain weight.  I was starting junior high school.  My brothers death (5 years earlier) was starting to take its psychological toll.  I was becoming depressed and angry.  I was not happy with anyone or anything.  This is when I began a downward spiral.  This is when the eating disorders started their hold.

Strangely enough, I was a fairly healthy ana-bulimic.  I spent years alternating between starvation and binging and purging.  I never looked sick.  But I was.  Physically, psychologically, and emotionally. 

When my dad died in 1995, I basically lost my "psychological" shit.  It took me a long time to recover from that loss.  But my family and friends rallied and helped me through.

Shit hit the fan in 2000 when I finally admitted I had a problem.  I was admitted into a psych facility for several days.  I was treated for depression and an eating disorder.  Being there really opened my eyes to a lot of things.  I knew I was "crazy" but I wasn't psychotic.  When I left, I wasn't "cured."  There is no cure for either condition.  I know you're thinking, "Where the hell is all the fat talk?  I thought this was about body image, not craziness."  Patience!

 All throughout my teen years, I was thin.  I ranged from a 2 to a 6 maybe.  And I thought I was fat.  I needed to lose weight.  I needed to tone up.  I wanted so badly to be that tall, toned, tanned beauty in the magazines.  I wasn't.  I was not confident at all.  I surrounded myself with strong confident girls and I played the part.  That's how I rolled y'all.

Holy Boobies, Batman!

circa 2004

I started healing in my early 20's.  Food was no longer the enemy.  I realized that I was crazy and I would just have to learn to deal with that fact.  (As a side note, I will forever refer to myself as crazy.  Because I am.  I have psychological issues.  I have no delusions about that.  HAHA Sorry, no pun intended.  I am not ashamed to have some issues.  I did not ask to be this way.  I am though.  If you have a problem with me calling myself crazy...well, suck it up buttercup.)  I reconnected with my friends and family.  I got a great job and apartment.  I discovered Red Bull and Jager.  And Legspreaders (twss).  Things looked up.  I was healthy and getting happier.

I was still not happy with my body.  I still thought I was too big.  Looking back, I was perfectly fine.  I was healthy.  I weighed 135 lbs the day I found out I was pregnant with P.

Jan 2008 - Baby Shower - 7 months along

Me and Mom

     I have to say, pregnancy was by far, THE most liberating time for me.  I was so excited.  I never once hated my body.  I was growing a human being (or an alien).  I was supposed to gain weight.  I knew I would end up having that long list of gross pregnancy symptoms.  I gained 34 lbs.  I was super happy.  I was bloated, had heart burn ALL THE TIME, had swollen feet, etc.   But I was able to eat a whole box of mac n cheese in one sitting.  It was such a huge change from the eating disorders of my past.  Most women are like "I wouldn't mind having another kid, but I don't want to be pregnant."  Me?  I'm all "I wouldn't mind being pregnant as long as I don't have to keep the kid!!"

May 2008 - back at 135 lbs

After P was born, I breast fed.  Some people lose weight while breast feeding, some don't.  I did.  I was back down to pre-pregnancy weight within 2 months.  Go me.  Well, yeah.  Someone forgot to tell me to stop eating for 2 after I quit breast feeding.  As soon as P stopped breast feeding, I gained that shit back.  All of it.  And that is where this nonsense began.  Again.



I hovered at 169 lbs for a long time.  I was not happy about it.  But I was a new mom and I was living my life for P.  Who cared if I was fat, right!?!?  Wrong.  I should have.





And guess what?  I wasn't done with eating disorders.  Not many people know this next part about me, but I feel it needs to be told.  It is the truth, after all.  The stress of mommyhood and some other things caused me to relapse into ED's.  This time though, I became a binge eater.  I ate and ate.  And ate some more.  Literally, all day long.  Calorie after calorie.  It didn't help that I had quit smoking.  The sweets tasted so much better.  And I needed that oral gratification (twss).  And THAT is how I ended up at 197 lbs.  I know that I'm sure I was over 200 lbs at some point...but I never saw that number on my home scale.

June of 2012 at 190 lbs

Me in all my bloated glory

Am I really posting this picture?  Yeah.  I'm telling ya, I'm crazy as shit folks.

I remember the day I saw 197 on the scale.  I cried.  I didn't know what I had done to myself.  I knew that something had to be done.  I just didn't know what yet.  I came to terms with the binge eating.  I told one person about it.  I needed to be accountable to someone.  It was difficult.  I have serious issues with portion control.  And now, you know why.

After having my gallbladder out, I decided I needed to get serious about getting healthy.  I developed a medical condition which I still have trouble with.  It's actually kind of a good thing.  It helps me control my fat intake.  But since then, I have begun eating smaller portions and less processed foods.  I also move my body more.  With just the small modifications, I lost 25 lbs.  When I realized that, it spurred me to get on the bandwagon and get this party started.  I started lifting weights and that has made a huge difference as well.

My ultimate goal isn't a target number.  I want to be somewhere in my healthy weight range, but I also want to get into a size 6 pair of pants.  I also want to run and play with P without being out of breath.  I mean hell, I quit smoking.  And I still can't breathe?  That sucks.  I know that my goals will take time.  I'm not in a HUGE hurry and I'm not in a race.  I am doing this the healthy way, so it's going to take time.  And time is something that I am giving back to myself.  Holla!
 

Thanks for reading my story y'all.
The rest of the week will be much lighter, I promise!
Happy Humpday!!



*I want to make something very very clear.  Obviously, I do not condone the use of extreme, medically devastating practices to lose weight.  My experiences with Anorexia, Bulimia, and Binge Eating were a hard part of my life.  This is a short post and therefore does NOT represent the full scope of therapy and healing.  I did not recover in a matter of weeks or months.  I still struggle with certain things.

If you or someone you know may be struggling with an eating disorder, please check out these resources:
National Association of Anorexia Nervosa & Associated Disorders
American Psychological Association


If you or someone you know may be struggling with a psychological disorder, please check out these resources:
American Psychological Association
Psychology Today

You should also know that seeking treatment for any emotional problem is not a sign of weakness.  It takes strength of character to admit there is a problem and to seek help.  If you have an issue that is affecting your life or the lives of those around you, I urge you to find someone to talk to.  Sometimes, these problems are not emotionally based at all.  Some of my issues are biologically based.  Sometimes, these things can not be stopped before they start, but you can control the symptoms.

This is going to be long y'all (twss).


As females, I think it is hardwired in our DNA to be self conscious and self loathing when it comes to our bodies.  I was no different.




Isn't it amazing how you can look back and wish you looked how you looked "back then."





I was a normal sized kid.  I was never really overweight.  That is, until puberty hit.  Everything hit me all at the same time.  It was not pretty.  At around 12 or 13, I began to gain weight.  I was starting junior high school.  My brothers death (5 years earlier) was starting to take its psychological toll.  I was becoming depressed and angry.  I was not happy with anyone or anything.  This is when I began a downward spiral.  This is when the eating disorders started their hold.

Strangely enough, I was a fairly healthy ana-bulimic.  I spent years alternating between starvation and binging and purging.  I never looked sick.  But I was.  Physically, psychologically, and emotionally. 

When my dad died in 1995, I basically lost my "psychological" shit.  It took me a long time to recover from that loss.  But my family and friends rallied and helped me through.

Shit hit the fan in 2000 when I finally admitted I had a problem.  I was admitted into a psych facility for several days.  I was treated for depression and an eating disorder.  Being there really opened my eyes to a lot of things.  I knew I was "crazy" but I wasn't psychotic.  When I left, I wasn't "cured."  There is no cure for either condition.  I know you're thinking, "Where the hell is all the fat talk?  I thought this was about body image, not craziness."  Patience!

 All throughout my teen years, I was thin.  I ranged from a 2 to a 6 maybe.  And I thought I was fat.  I needed to lose weight.  I needed to tone up.  I wanted so badly to be that tall, toned, tanned beauty in the magazines.  I wasn't.  I was not confident at all.  I surrounded myself with strong confident girls and I played the part.  That's how I rolled y'all.

Holy Boobies, Batman!

circa 2004

I started healing in my early 20's.  Food was no longer the enemy.  I realized that I was crazy and I would just have to learn to deal with that fact.  (As a side note, I will forever refer to myself as crazy.  Because I am.  I have psychological issues.  I have no delusions about that.  HAHA Sorry, no pun intended.  I am not ashamed to have some issues.  I did not ask to be this way.  I am though.  If you have a problem with me calling myself crazy...well, suck it up buttercup.)  I reconnected with my friends and family.  I got a great job and apartment.  I discovered Red Bull and Jager.  And Legspreaders (twss).  Things looked up.  I was healthy and getting happier.

I was still not happy with my body.  I still thought I was too big.  Looking back, I was perfectly fine.  I was healthy.  I weighed 135 lbs the day I found out I was pregnant with P.

Jan 2008 - Baby Shower - 7 months along

Me and Mom

     I have to say, pregnancy was by far, THE most liberating time for me.  I was so excited.  I never once hated my body.  I was growing a human being (or an alien).  I was supposed to gain weight.  I knew I would end up having that long list of gross pregnancy symptoms.  I gained 34 lbs.  I was super happy.  I was bloated, had heart burn ALL THE TIME, had swollen feet, etc.   But I was able to eat a whole box of mac n cheese in one sitting.  It was such a huge change from the eating disorders of my past.  Most women are like "I wouldn't mind having another kid, but I don't want to be pregnant."  Me?  I'm all "I wouldn't mind being pregnant as long as I don't have to keep the kid!!"

May 2008 - back at 135 lbs

After P was born, I breast fed.  Some people lose weight while breast feeding, some don't.  I did.  I was back down to pre-pregnancy weight within 2 months.  Go me.  Well, yeah.  Someone forgot to tell me to stop eating for 2 after I quit breast feeding.  As soon as P stopped breast feeding, I gained that shit back.  All of it.  And that is where this nonsense began.  Again.



I hovered at 169 lbs for a long time.  I was not happy about it.  But I was a new mom and I was living my life for P.  Who cared if I was fat, right!?!?  Wrong.  I should have.





And guess what?  I wasn't done with eating disorders.  Not many people know this next part about me, but I feel it needs to be told.  It is the truth, after all.  The stress of mommyhood and some other things caused me to relapse into ED's.  This time though, I became a binge eater.  I ate and ate.  And ate some more.  Literally, all day long.  Calorie after calorie.  It didn't help that I had quit smoking.  The sweets tasted so much better.  And I needed that oral gratification (twss).  And THAT is how I ended up at 197 lbs.  I know that I'm sure I was over 200 lbs at some point...but I never saw that number on my home scale.

June of 2012 at 190 lbs

Me in all my bloated glory

Am I really posting this picture?  Yeah.  I'm telling ya, I'm crazy as shit folks.

I remember the day I saw 197 on the scale.  I cried.  I didn't know what I had done to myself.  I knew that something had to be done.  I just didn't know what yet.  I came to terms with the binge eating.  I told one person about it.  I needed to be accountable to someone.  It was difficult.  I have serious issues with portion control.  And now, you know why.

After having my gallbladder out, I decided I needed to get serious about getting healthy.  I developed a medical condition which I still have trouble with.  It's actually kind of a good thing.  It helps me control my fat intake.  But since then, I have begun eating smaller portions and less processed foods.  I also move my body more.  With just the small modifications, I lost 25 lbs.  When I realized that, it spurred me to get on the bandwagon and get this party started.  I started lifting weights and that has made a huge difference as well.

My ultimate goal isn't a target number.  I want to be somewhere in my healthy weight range, but I also want to get into a size 6 pair of pants.  I also want to run and play with P without being out of breath.  I mean hell, I quit smoking.  And I still can't breathe?  That sucks.  I know that my goals will take time.  I'm not in a HUGE hurry and I'm not in a race.  I am doing this the healthy way, so it's going to take time.  And time is something that I am giving back to myself.  Holla!
 

Thanks for reading my story y'all.
The rest of the week will be much lighter, I promise!
Happy Humpday!!



*I want to make something very very clear.  Obviously, I do not condone the use of extreme, medically devastating practices to lose weight.  My experiences with Anorexia, Bulimia, and Binge Eating were a hard part of my life.  This is a short post and therefore does NOT represent the full scope of therapy and healing.  I did not recover in a matter of weeks or months.  I still struggle with certain things.

If you or someone you know may be struggling with an eating disorder, please check out these resources:
National Association of Anorexia Nervosa & Associated Disorders
American Psychological Association


If you or someone you know may be struggling with a psychological disorder, please check out these resources:
American Psychological Association
Psychology Today

You should also know that seeking treatment for any emotional problem is not a sign of weakness.  It takes strength of character to admit there is a problem and to seek help.  If you have an issue that is affecting your life or the lives of those around you, I urge you to find someone to talk to.  Sometimes, these problems are not emotionally based at all.  Some of my issues are biologically based.  Sometimes, these things can not be stopped before they start, but you can control the symptoms.

Weekend Recap and What's Coming Up

I was supposed to start my C25k last Friday.  Yeah, that didn't happen.  P decided that she needed to get up at 4am and I had to get up at 5:45am to register for classes.  P pretty much never went back to sleep and I was exhausted the rest of the day. 

Friday's are "fat girl Friday's" around these parts, so I took myself to Taco Bell and inhaled a Doritos Taco Supreme and a quesadilla.  And it was gooooooood!

I was in bed by 8:45pm.  And I slept FOR.EVER!  Oh the exciting life of an exhausted single mom. 


Saturday was filled with shopping.  Groceries and clothes!  I got to buy a few new pieces for summer.  I bought my first pair of skinny jeans.  Holla!  I don't look ridiculous!  See!?! 

I spent the rest of Saturday hanging out with Graye and Remy.  And then sleeping.  A lot of sleeping.  I have to catch up when I can. 

More sleep on Sunday.  Wow.  I'm seriously boring. 

P came home Sunday night and we cuddled and snuggled and watched River Monsters.

We had a rough night but the morning was bright and shiny.  It's a new week, right?!?!



So, on to what's ahead...

A post of my "weight"-y history...
A Pinspiration post...
And whatever other post I can think of...


Well, that's all I have for today. 

Happy Reading.

I was supposed to start my C25k last Friday.  Yeah, that didn't happen.  P decided that she needed to get up at 4am and I had to get up at 5:45am to register for classes.  P pretty much never went back to sleep and I was exhausted the rest of the day. 

Friday's are "fat girl Friday's" around these parts, so I took myself to Taco Bell and inhaled a Doritos Taco Supreme and a quesadilla.  And it was gooooooood!

I was in bed by 8:45pm.  And I slept FOR.EVER!  Oh the exciting life of an exhausted single mom. 


Saturday was filled with shopping.  Groceries and clothes!  I got to buy a few new pieces for summer.  I bought my first pair of skinny jeans.  Holla!  I don't look ridiculous!  See!?! 

I spent the rest of Saturday hanging out with Graye and Remy.  And then sleeping.  A lot of sleeping.  I have to catch up when I can. 

More sleep on Sunday.  Wow.  I'm seriously boring. 

P came home Sunday night and we cuddled and snuggled and watched River Monsters.

We had a rough night but the morning was bright and shiny.  It's a new week, right?!?!



So, on to what's ahead...

A post of my "weight"-y history...
A Pinspiration post...
And whatever other post I can think of...


Well, that's all I have for today. 

Happy Reading.

Fitting Fitness into the Daily Routine

It's Friday!  It's the freakin weekend y'all!  And I'm kid-lite.  What are my plans?  A couple projects...reading for school...lounging in bed...and doing ABSOfreakinLUTELY nothing.  But, we shall see.  On to today's post!


It is no secret that I am not a healthy person.  I am overweight.  I do not eat healthy foods.  I drink Coca Cola like it's going out of style.  I never ever ever drink water.  Seriously.


The one thing I am doing right?  I super-duper extra LOVE weight training.  And it has made a huge difference.

Over the last several months, I have lost about 20-25lbs (depending on the day).  Those lbs were lost with (somewhat) portion control and a medical condition.  At this point, the weight has stopped coming off.

I've learned to eat better (nowhere near great or clean).  I still have issues with portion control.  I really love food.  Portion control and counting calories are major for me.  I have tried MyFitnessPal.  I get really bored.  I also get really frustrated because the good stuff just has so many calories!!

As I mentioned, I love the weights.  I have seen the changes that can come from adding weights into your routine.  I have seen the difference it makes on your body.  Without ever losing a pound, you can see a transformation.  It's amazing.  But it's not enough.

I really need to lose that layer of fat.  And that is where the cardio comes in.  I've had this Couch to 5K app on my phone for a while now.  I will be dusting it off and starting the program.  Today.  Yippee.  I'm so not thrilled.  I just have to keep thinking about all that fat that will be shed!  Right?  Right.

In addition to the C25k, I will be drinking more water.  And less Cokes.  I cannot say that I will totally give up Cokes.  At least not now.  But if I fill up on the good ol H2O, maybe, just maybe, I won't drink as much soda.  (What the hell is soda?  Coke.  I'm from the south y'all.  We say coke.)  I can hope.

I am not thrilled to be posting these.  But it's about accountability.  In a few weeks, I want to be able to do side by sides.  And be proud.  One of these days I am going to post my WAY before pics.  The ones where I am pushing 200 lbs.  I am proud of what I have accomplished so far, but I am not quite ready to put ALL my stuff out there yet.

These were taken a couple days ago.  And they will be my newest comparison photos.  Anyone want to start this C25k with me?  If you can't get access to an app, go here and print out the weekly programs.  We can all find 30 minutes 3xs a week right?  Well, we'll find out.

So let's get healthy.  

One run at a time.  

One lift at a time.

One day at a time. 

Have a great weekend!!!!

It's Friday!  It's the freakin weekend y'all!  And I'm kid-lite.  What are my plans?  A couple projects...reading for school...lounging in bed...and doing ABSOfreakinLUTELY nothing.  But, we shall see.  On to today's post!


It is no secret that I am not a healthy person.  I am overweight.  I do not eat healthy foods.  I drink Coca Cola like it's going out of style.  I never ever ever drink water.  Seriously.


The one thing I am doing right?  I super-duper extra LOVE weight training.  And it has made a huge difference.

Over the last several months, I have lost about 20-25lbs (depending on the day).  Those lbs were lost with (somewhat) portion control and a medical condition.  At this point, the weight has stopped coming off.

I've learned to eat better (nowhere near great or clean).  I still have issues with portion control.  I really love food.  Portion control and counting calories are major for me.  I have tried MyFitnessPal.  I get really bored.  I also get really frustrated because the good stuff just has so many calories!!

As I mentioned, I love the weights.  I have seen the changes that can come from adding weights into your routine.  I have seen the difference it makes on your body.  Without ever losing a pound, you can see a transformation.  It's amazing.  But it's not enough.

I really need to lose that layer of fat.  And that is where the cardio comes in.  I've had this Couch to 5K app on my phone for a while now.  I will be dusting it off and starting the program.  Today.  Yippee.  I'm so not thrilled.  I just have to keep thinking about all that fat that will be shed!  Right?  Right.

In addition to the C25k, I will be drinking more water.  And less Cokes.  I cannot say that I will totally give up Cokes.  At least not now.  But if I fill up on the good ol H2O, maybe, just maybe, I won't drink as much soda.  (What the hell is soda?  Coke.  I'm from the south y'all.  We say coke.)  I can hope.

I am not thrilled to be posting these.  But it's about accountability.  In a few weeks, I want to be able to do side by sides.  And be proud.  One of these days I am going to post my WAY before pics.  The ones where I am pushing 200 lbs.  I am proud of what I have accomplished so far, but I am not quite ready to put ALL my stuff out there yet.

These were taken a couple days ago.  And they will be my newest comparison photos.  Anyone want to start this C25k with me?  If you can't get access to an app, go here and print out the weekly programs.  We can all find 30 minutes 3xs a week right?  Well, we'll find out.

So let's get healthy.  

One run at a time.  

One lift at a time.

One day at a time. 

Have a great weekend!!!!

Just Breathe...WTH?!?!

Follow my blog with Bloglovin


I know what you're thinking.  What the hell does this chick mean Just Breathe?  All in good time, young grasshopper.

Seeing as how this is my first official post for Just Breathe, I guess I can elaborate.  This website is actually the second incarnation.  My original blog was called Chronicles of an Optimistic Realist.  Yeah, you can see the logistical nightmare THAT title caused.  And although the title was true enough (I am an optimist realist), I wasn't feeling it.  So, well, the blog never got off the ground.  Actually, it never took off running, either.

I am now at a place where I feel that overwhelming urge to write.  I knew I would revamp the blog and take it seriously.  I just needed a title that would describe me and my content.

After much deliberation (psh, not really), Just Breathe kept coming back around.  It makes sense to me.  And here is why...

Many years ago...seriously...like 15 years...I was a senior in high school (oh hell, did I just give away my age?).  During a trip to the doctor to get my shots (totally for college), I passed out.  Luckily my mom happened to be with me.  She and the nurse caught me.  One minute I was sitting upright, next, I was waking up laying down.  Weird.  None of us really knew why.  And yet, they let me walk out of the office.  Niiiice.

A few months later, my sister took me to get a tattoo.  I had parental permission.  They called my mom.  Awesome.  But, during my tattoo, my sister noticed I was looking pale and clammy.  I knew I was about to pass out.  I was holding my breath.  DING!  So now I knew why I had passed out a few months before.  I have a bad habit of holding my breath when I am waiting for something bad to happen.

Hence the mantra...Just Breathe.  I tell myself this dozens of times a day.  It has gone from a biological/physiological situation to a widespread life mantra.

When you're getting your flu shot or birth control (whatev), tell yourself to just breathe...

When you're insurance rates jump 10%, tell yourself just breathe...

When your kid is driving you bat shit crazy, tell yourself just breathe...



 

And if that doesn't help...
pour yourself a glass of wine 
and just be fabulous!







By the way, I will have more pictures in future posts.  Also, you can find me on Facebook, Instagram and Keek by clicking the appropriate squares in the right hand column.  My email is also available there too.  You can also follow the blog by email or by Google.  I'll be getting my Bloglovin link up soon.


Happy Thursday!

Follow my blog with Bloglovin


I know what you're thinking.  What the hell does this chick mean Just Breathe?  All in good time, young grasshopper.

Seeing as how this is my first official post for Just Breathe, I guess I can elaborate.  This website is actually the second incarnation.  My original blog was called Chronicles of an Optimistic Realist.  Yeah, you can see the logistical nightmare THAT title caused.  And although the title was true enough (I am an optimist realist), I wasn't feeling it.  So, well, the blog never got off the ground.  Actually, it never took off running, either.

I am now at a place where I feel that overwhelming urge to write.  I knew I would revamp the blog and take it seriously.  I just needed a title that would describe me and my content.

After much deliberation (psh, not really), Just Breathe kept coming back around.  It makes sense to me.  And here is why...

Many years ago...seriously...like 15 years...I was a senior in high school (oh hell, did I just give away my age?).  During a trip to the doctor to get my shots (totally for college), I passed out.  Luckily my mom happened to be with me.  She and the nurse caught me.  One minute I was sitting upright, next, I was waking up laying down.  Weird.  None of us really knew why.  And yet, they let me walk out of the office.  Niiiice.

A few months later, my sister took me to get a tattoo.  I had parental permission.  They called my mom.  Awesome.  But, during my tattoo, my sister noticed I was looking pale and clammy.  I knew I was about to pass out.  I was holding my breath.  DING!  So now I knew why I had passed out a few months before.  I have a bad habit of holding my breath when I am waiting for something bad to happen.

Hence the mantra...Just Breathe.  I tell myself this dozens of times a day.  It has gone from a biological/physiological situation to a widespread life mantra.

When you're getting your flu shot or birth control (whatev), tell yourself to just breathe...

When you're insurance rates jump 10%, tell yourself just breathe...

When your kid is driving you bat shit crazy, tell yourself just breathe...



 

And if that doesn't help...
pour yourself a glass of wine 
and just be fabulous!







By the way, I will have more pictures in future posts.  Also, you can find me on Facebook, Instagram and Keek by clicking the appropriate squares in the right hand column.  My email is also available there too.  You can also follow the blog by email or by Google.  I'll be getting my Bloglovin link up soon.


Happy Thursday!